Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Conversations with myself

Feeling helpless to influence the big picture is probably a part of why I feel the way I do. Reading about the fights in Baghdad is bad enough, but to actually hear them is sometimes hard. And sometimes I get lonely and depressed when I am tired, which I am a lot. Do not worry though, I would NEVER think of exposing my self or hurting myself. It's not that kind of depression. It's more tired. Just very, very, tired.

I am worried about repeating behaviors, and I am determined not to. Anger. It's as if I have hung all the meaning of these past 9 months on this, on being able to handle things and NOT get mad. There is no larger meaning to this experience, only what we give it. And I want so much make this worth while. Being a better person is how I assign meaning to my being here - does that make sense?

But I know that I have to treat this more like a diet, where there will be times or days where I do get angry, or fall off the wagon, so to speak. That's always been the hard part for me - I pass a certain point and just say "fuck it, it's all ruined anyway. But people's capacity for forgiveness, for grace, is as large as is their capacity for evil. And so, it's not ruined. It's not the end. I realize that falling off the wagon is not a good enough reason to give up.

I have been practicing over here, and can think of only one (or two) times where I actually got angry. Both times with my boss. But mostly, it's just stuff. Not something I need to be emotionally invested in, just stuff. And that's what everything is, so long as you are sure of the love of your family. And I am sure of that.


Blogger KAB said...

I don't think getting angry is neccessarily a bad thing all the time. I guess if going through this in Iraq can help you control how you show your anger than that is a good thing. It seems like your boss needs someone to get angry with her more often.

January 07, 2007 7:45 AM  

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