Things you don’t want to try in the hooch (or anywhere else)

Homemade Gazpacho: I took canned Campbell’s tomato soup, and added ice, cut up tomatoes, French fry vinegar, and artificial sour cream (out of a squeeze pack - no refrigeration required!). The ice cubes kept getting in the way so I had to use a straw. It tasted absolutely horrible. Not at all like Lisanne’s.

Fizzy Energy Drink: We have this carbonated, vitamin C+, super energy drink powder that you are supposed to add to water for a “delicious and refreshing energy boost,” as the label says. Well, I thought if it was good in water, it would be even better in Coke. It took me twenty minutes to clean up the hooch after the resulting explosion of coke-a-cola foam.

Homemade Potato Chips from Fried Potato Breakfast Patties: First, I got my pocket all greasy sneaking the patties out of the damned chow hall. Then I mashed them up, added salt, mushed them down on a piece of flat steel, cut them into potato chip shapes with my knife, and set them to dry in front of the air conditioner. I guess I thought this would “cook” them somehow. This was probably my worst-ever culinary experience. Wet, they tasted like cold cardboard. No difference dry. My God, even extra salt and hot sauce didn’t help.